


Speechless

by abstractconcept



Category: Harry Potter/Queer as Folk
Genre: Crossover, Humor, M/M, a little crackish, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-08-23
Updated: 2006-08-23
Packaged: 2017-10-12 07:28:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/122403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abstractconcept/pseuds/abstractconcept
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry's gone to find himself, but doesn't realize Snape's looking for him, as well. Meanwhile, the boys are enduring a slow night at Babylon with no idea that a couple of strangers are about to appear and liven things up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Speechless

**Author's Note:**

  * For [adele_sparks](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=adele_sparks).



> Crack and crossover (HP/QaF). There's...Snape/Ted in here. Yeah, I don't know how that happened, either. O_o But it did. There are also other pairings, like Snarry, but only because I love Adele that much. *g*  
>  **DEDICATION:** HAPPY (belated) BIRTHDAY to [](http://adele-sparks.insanejournal.com/profile)[**adele_sparks**](http://adele-sparks.insanejournal.com/)! You've made my life better for being part of it, and the whole world a brighter place with your wonderful writing.  
>  **BETAS:[](http://alisanne.insanejournal.com/profile)[ **alisanne**](http://alisanne.insanejournal.com/)** , [](http://eeyore9990.insanejournal.com/profile)[**eeyore9990**](http://eeyore9990.insanejournal.com/), and advice from [](http://www.insanejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=scotrid)[ **scotrid**](http://www.insanejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=scotrid), and all further mistakes are mine.

Michael sighed heavily. "All the cute ones are taken or have been with Brian," he complained.

"Now, don't be so grumpy," Emmett admonished. "There could be someone wonderful out there tonight just waiting to bump into you."

Michael's doubtful gaze roamed over the many men packed into Babylon, undulating and grinding to the music. "I guess it's possible," he said. He usually enjoyed being out with the guys, but he'd been in a slump recently, and it was beginning to wear on him. Still, he was lucky to have such supportive friends.

Ted tried to sound encouraging as he added, "Sure! Why not? I see tall, dark and handsome in your future."

"You got two out of three right," Brian said dryly with a nod to a nearby man.

"Hey, I should buy a lotto ticket or try to come onto someone," Ted said. "Either I'm able to see into the future or I'm just lucky. Personally, I'd prefer to get lucky."

A tall, dark, _intimidating_ stranger stopped short beside them. His head swivelled toward Ted, though he ignored the rest of them completely. "What did you just say?"

Ted's wide eyes looked to the rest of the group for help, but Michael and Emmett could only shrug, and Brian's face suggested he was more amused than concerned by the confrontation.

" _I_ said you were ugly," Brian offered.

"No one cares what _you_ think," the man said dismissively. "I was talking to _that_ one."

Brian's eyes bulged a little; he was _not_ used to being ignored, but the man really was focused wholly on Ted, his dark eyes burning. "What did you say?" he repeated.

"Er, that I'd like to get lucky?" Ted said. "Why? Are you....interested?" he asked nervously. He tried to look cool, suave, only mildly interested. He knew he was probably failing miserably. Not that the man was much to look at, but he was _very_ assertive, and he was likely the best thing that would come Ted's way all night.

The man scowled, unpleasant looking under the strobe of the club's lights. He had a nose as sharp and hooked as a bird's beak and longish, limp hair. He also seemed to be wearing a dress, but everyone in the group viewed this as a trivial eccentricity, as far as eccentricities went.

"You said you might be able to see the future. I have little regard for such a talent, but even idiots get lucky on occasion."

"Yeah, that's what I was hoping—" Ted began, but the man cut him off.

"So, oh wise and mystical soothsayer, do you see a _boy_ in my future? About eighteen, yea high, with green eyes and a permanently vacant expression?"

"Er...maybe?" Ted replied, confused. "I thought we were talking about getting lucky. Are you trying to say you want a threesome?"

"I'm bored," Brian announced, and all eyes turned to him because, well, they just always did when Brian spoke. "This place is really going downhill if they're letting geezers like this in." He gave the stranger a dirty look, and the man met him sneer for sneer. "Anybody know where Justin went?"

"Well, you were ignoring him, so he's _probably_ having the time of his life; plenty of tricks around for—"

OoOoOoOoO

"Tricks?" Snape repeated. If someone was doing magic tricks, it was likely Potter. "Where are these 'tricks?'"

The man who'd been speaking shrugged. "There are always a few in the alley," he said.

Snape drew himself up to his full height, and the group around him shrank back—except for that _one._ That _one_ that looked very arrogant, smirking and entirely too self-satisfied for a Muggle. He reminded Snape strongly of someone, but the man couldn't think who it might be.

He locked eyes with the short one—obviously the most easily cowed of the lot. "Take me to the alley where these _'tricks'_ are being performed."

They went as a group, though the arrogant one hung back and just sort of sauntered along behind. "You know, goth is really not your look," he informed Severus at one point.

Severus wrinkled his nose. "What a pity. How lucky for you that smugness never seems to go out of style," he replied. Instead of getting angry, the man merely laughed. Snape swept along, eager to be free of the unpleasant company.

The easily cowed one kept glancing back at Snape, muttering grievances and protestations that sounded like, "...thought I was going to get laid, instead I'm an underpaid pimp."

The haughty one spoke out loudly at this. "You wanted to sleep with _him_? Why?"

The short one glanced back at Snape. "Well, _yeah._ He looks like he tops, doesn't he?"

"Shut your mouths," Snape commanded, irritated. "Until there are tricks, there is no talking."

"Oh, he _definitely_ tops," the short one said, gazing at Snape with something like lovesickness.

"Anyway, no one is going to stop talking just because you order them to," the arrogant one said witheringly.

Snape turned, eyes narrowing dangerously. "Oh, really? _Silencio_!"

OoOoOoOoO

 

It was the first time anyone had ever seen Brian Kinney speechless. They'd seen Brian not open his mouth in the past, but they always got the firm idea that this was only because he didn't feel like it and there were no cocks around.

But now, as he opened his mouth, his handsome face turning red with fury, the entire group knew something had gone terribly wrong.

"What did you do to Brian?" Michael yelled, shoving the man. Emmett and Ted grabbed his arms and held him back.

"Are you crazy? A man that could shut Brian up is capable of _anything_!" Ted exclaimed. He blinked a bit, looking at the man again. "Wow...he did that with _just one word._ I wonder what he's like in bed?" he added in an undertone to Emmett.

"Stop thinking about your dick when your friend's in trouble!" Michael told him, ever the over-philanthropic drama queen.

"I'm not!" Ted protested. "I just...it was really impressive!" he said defensively.

Emmett nodded and gave Michael an apologetic look. "It was pretty hot," he said.

"You're all against me," Michael grumbled. Brian gesticulated furiously that everyone was against _him_ , or that they could go do sexual things to themselves in a violent manner, or perhaps something about a monkey. It was difficult to tell.

They looked back at the stranger. "Who _are_ you?" Ted breathed.

The man appeared to give this some consideration, as if having an internal debate before replying, "I am Severus Snape."

Ted was pretty certain that, if Brian wasn't apoplectic with anger, he would have sneered even harder than he usually did, but at the moment Brian was snarling wordlessly at Michael, who seemed to understand everything that his friend was unable to say, and was reassuring him that he'd be all right.

"It's sexy," Ted said hopefully, over his friend's voice. "Very sibilant. Um. I'm Ted, and the guy you...er...did whatever you did to—which I for one am kind of grateful for—is Brian, and this is Michael and Emmett."

Severus Snape didn't look at him. His gaze was focused on something further down the alley, and he no longer seemed aware of Ted at all.

OoOoOoOoO

 

Snape couldn't answer. There, just ahead in the alley, Harry Potter's face was buried in some Muggle's fly. The Muggle appeared to be enjoying things, but Snape couldn't be sure about Potter. On the other hand, it had often been an epic battle just to get the wretch to scrub cauldrons if he didn't feel like it, and Snape couldn't imagine how much more obstinate he could be about giving head against his will.

On the other hand, if it turned out to be easy, it might bear looking into.

"Potter!" he barked, his voice hoarse—with horror, he assumed. "Surely when you went off to 'find yourself' you did not expect to do so in the trousers of some callow blond imbecile."

Harry pulled away, looking up in surprise. He gazed mutely up at the group surrounding him for a moment before pulling himself together a bit. "It was worth a shot, and Draco gave me a thump round the ear when I tried it on him, but Justin was nice enough to let me—"

Snape gave him a thump round the ear, too. "Just because it didn't work the first time doesn't mean it wasn't worth a second try."

"Ow," Potter complained, rubbing his head. "Yeah, exactly."

"I meant thumping you round the ear."

"Oh. So this is the yea high, green-eyed twink you were looking for," the easily cowed Muggle—Ted, was it?—commented with some disappointment.

"Merely to thump him round the ear," Snape hurried to reply, eager to forfend misunderstandings. He'd come because people were worried about Potter. Not because _he_ was worried about Potter, but—other people.

"You can thump _me_ anywhere," Ted told him, then looked at his feet, blushing.

"I should give Lucius your location," Snape mumbled. "What he wouldn't give for a Muggle with such an inferiority complex and an urge to indulge his betters. It'd be a salve after losing the war, I should think."

"You can't go handing strange Muggles over to Lucius Malfoy," Potter snapped, standing up and doing up his fly.

"I should have said you couldn't go round performing fellatio on strange Muggles in alleyways, and it wouldn't have gotten me anywhere," Snape pointed out. "Now, get your things—if you have any—and we'll be on our way."

"Why should I?" Harry demanded belligerently.

 _"When he was blowing me, he had this funky new toy—some sort of wooden stick—that he slid up—"_

Snape's teeth grated. "Do you _mind?_ " he snapped at the giddy blond, who was sharing his anecdote with the arrog—no, with the _mute_ one. "We're trying to have a grown-up conversation here, so why don't you just head back to your nursery until we've finished?"

The boy looked sulky at this. " _Sorry_ ," he said, clearly anything but.

"Where were we? Harry? Are you ready to go?"

Harry crossed his arms. "You were about to give me a very convincing reason to leave. Something about long walks on the beach and nightly rimming and everlasting love, maybe?"

Snape could feel himself flushing. "For Merlin's sake, Potter, it was _one night;_ why you've the need to turn everything into such a production, running off and accosting every queen you can find just because I didn't immediately buy you a ring and veil—"

"Fine!" Potter barked. "Okay, so you don't want me. Whatever. There are _plenty_ of men that do." He spun on his heel. "Like _you_! You're pretty hot. Fancy a bit of stiff?" He gave a slick, flirtatious smile to—the arrogant one—the one Snape had silenced. Brian, wasn't it?

Brian's eyes met Snape's, and they were filled with malicious mischief. The man was smirking again, his finger crooking to draw Potter in without a word.

OoOoOoOoO

 

Michael averted his eyes, just another subtle protest against Brian's life of getting it on with everyone but Michael.

"Dude, he's totally not even your type," Justin pointed out, a trace of resentment in his voice. "You told me you don't like scrawny little twinks."

Brian glanced up and mouthed, "I meant _you_ ," before yanking Harry forward into a steamy kiss. The youth's arms flung themselves round Brian's neck, and one of Brian's legs began to inch its way between Harry's thighs. Harry moaned loudly.

Ted sighed. "Well, I guess it's better than _paying_ for porn," he said.

Just when it was starting to get good, Severus Snape whipped out a length of wood, pointed it at Brian and snarled, " _Impedimenta!_ "

Brian was flung back, stumbling. He looked up at Severus, outraged. The words he was mouthing were easy to read, and his gestures this time _very_ clear. Brian Kinney was _not_ having a good night. Michael immediately hurried over and patted his shoulder, causing him to wince.

"Did he—did you cast a _Silencing Charm_ on him? Snape, that is a _direct_ violation of the Hogsmeade Treaty. You can't do that! _Finite Incantatem!_ "

"What the _fuck_ was that?" Brian demanded. He got up in Snape's face, ready to fight. Snape pretended he wasn't there. "I'll rip your god damned head off. You think you can treat _me_ like that?"

"Don't do it, Brian," Ted advised in a whisper. "He can out-sneer you, he's as much of a top as you are, and he even made you stop talking. I think you've met your match." Brian's head whipped round, and he gave Ted a _blinding_ sneer, much whiter and prettier than Snape's. "All right," Ted amended, "so maybe you're equals. But I always thought that when you stopped being the centre of attention, the apocalypse was near at hand."

Severus ignored them both, instead giving Harry a _look_ and saying, "I'm ready to commence negotiations. Long walks in the dungeons, the occasional rimming, and everlasting sex."

"Walks on beaches during the hols, rimming every other night, and you have to admit you love me. In public. Here, and now."

OoOoOoOoO

Snape's hand clenched around his wand. It was, quite possibly, the first time in his life he'd been left speechless. He could kill Potter here, cast Memory Charms on the Muggles, and escape unscathed. He could bind and gag Potter, cast Memory Charms on the Muggles, and take Potter back to his dungeons. He could admit he loved Potter, cast Memory Charms on the lot of them, and then...wait, Potter would make him say it again. He'd have to wait until later to Obliviate him, then.

"Fine. I accept your terms," Snape spat.

"And?"

His face ticked. "I...love...you." He shuddered. It truly felt disgusting. How revoltingly soppy! He was only glad so many people were dead from the war and wouldn't witness it.

Harry's face softened. "Good. Well, then. I guess I've no further need of finding myself, since you seem to have tracked me down quite nicely. Shall we go?"

Brian was swearing fluently in the background over the blond's assurances that if anything hurt, they could go straight home and play doctor, while Ted shuffled his feet miserably.

"It never fails. The scary-sexy dungeons master _would_ want a cute little twink more than me. My life sucks. I am bereft and—and blighted, and totally boned."

One of the other men put his arm around him. "Not as long as you've got friends. And you've got plenty of friends!"

"Only because I make you all look so good by comparison."

Snape's eyes narrowed in thought. Here was an opportunity—not for compassion, but for a bit of revenge. If Potter globe-trotted his way into the beds and hearts of hundreds, Snape was not without his admirers, and it might be good to remind the boy of this.

He swooped in, cupping Ted's chin in thin fingers and tilting his head back. "Forget the Memory Charm. You'll never forget Severus Snape," he purred, then proceeded to trap the man's lips. His tongue swept over the roof of Ted's mouth, and he felt the man melting against him, a soft whimper escaping now and then.

"NEW CONDITION!" Severus heard Harry roar. "NO KISSING OTHER BLOKES! Oi, did you hear me? _Aguamenti_!"

Snape and Ted leapt apart, both drenched to the skin. Severus' dripping hair fell in his face and he pushed it back, glaring. "Potter...renegotiations are not to be preceded by cold jets of water."

"You needed cooling off, and I thought it would help," Harry said defiantly. "Your head needed a soak."

"How the hell did you do that?" Brian demanded.

Harry gulped. "It was—just a magic trick," he said lamely. "Snape! Oi! Wait up! Where are you going?"

Snape swept away, the triumphant cry of, "Yes! I got tonsil action! Ted got tonsil action!" ringing in his ears.

"I believe I'd like to dance, Mr. Potter," Snape replied. "The music isn't much, but it's got a nice beat. Care to join me?" he asked, slipping back into the club.

Glancing back over his shoulder, he saw that Potter's jaw had dropped, and his eyes were bugging out of his head. It wasn't a good look on him, but it was far better than the one pressed against some other man's crotch. Severus felt something like a smile begin to bloom, and he resolutely quashed it. It had been too good a victory to spoil by doing that.

After all, it was the first time he could remember ever seeing Potter speechless.

 


End file.
